The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)
Gene Hackman: Royal Tenenbaum
Photos
Quotes
-
Royal : Anybody interested in grabbing a couple of burgers and hittin' the cemetery?
-
Royal : I'm very sorry for your loss. Your mother was a terribly attractive woman.
-
[Royal motions to Pagoda]
Royal : He saved my life, you know. Thirty years ago. I was knifed at a bazaar in Calcutta, and he carried me to the hospital on his back.
Ari : Who stabbed you?
[Royal motions to Pagoda again]
Royal : He did. There was a price on my head, and he was a hired assassin. Stuck me in the gut with a shiv.
-
[Royal's fake terminal illness has been exposed and he is being thrown out of the house]
Royal : Look, I know I'm going to be the bad guy on this one, but I just want to say the last six days have been the best six days of probably my whole life.
Narrator : Immediately after making this statement, Royal realized that it was true.
-
Royal : I've always been considered an asshole for about as long as I can remember. That's just my style. But I'd really feel blue if I didn't think you were going to forgive me.
Henry Sherman : I don't think you're an asshole, Royal. I just think you're kind of a son of a bitch.
Royal : Well, I really appreciate that.
-
Royal : Let's shag ass.
-
Young Chas Tenenbaum : [about Margot's play] Well, what'd you think, Dad?
Royal : Didn't seem believable to me.
[to Eli]
Royal : Why are you wearing pajamas? Do you live here?
Young Richie Tenenbaum : He has permission to sleep over.
Young Chas Tenenbaum : Well, did you at least think the characters were well developed?
Royal : What characters? This is a bunch of little kids dressed up in animal costumes.
Young Margot Tenenbaum : Good night, everyone.
Royal : Well, sweetie, don't be mad at me. That's just one man's opinion.
[Margot gets up and gathers her presents just as Ethel comes in with the birthday cake and everyone starts singing Happy Birthday, which trails off as she leaves the room. Ethel glares at Royal]
Narrator : He had not been invited to any of their parties since.
-
[Richie tells his father Royal he's in love with Margot, his adopted sister]
Royal : Margot Tenenbaum?
Richie : Yeah.
Royal : Well, since when?
Richie : Since always.
Royal : Does she know?
Richie : Uh-huh.
Royal : Well, what does she feel about that?
Richie : I think she feels confused.
Royal : Well, I can understand that, it's probably illegal!
Richie : I don't think so, we're not related by blood.
Royal : That's true. It's still frowned upon. But then, what isn't these days, right?
-
[Pagoda stabs Royal]
Royal : That's the last time you put a knife in me! Y'hear me?
-
Royal : Got a minute?
Ethel : [startled] What are you doing here?
Royal : Uh, I need a favour. I want to spend some time with you and the children.
Ethel : Are you crazy?
[she carries on walking]
Royal : Well, wait a minute, dammit!
Ethel : Stop following me!
Royal : Well, I want my family back.
Ethel : Well, you can't have it! I'm sorry for you, but it's too late.
Royal : Well, listen... Baby, I'm dying.
[she stops]
Royal : Yeah, I-I'm sick as a dog. I'll be dead in six weeks. I'm dying.
Ethel : What are you talking about? What's happening? Oh, I'm sorry... I didn't know...
[starts crying]
Ethel : Well, what'd they say? What is the prognosis?
Royal : [trying to comfort her] Take it easy, Ethel. Now, hold on, baby, hold on. Hold on, OK?
[she starts wailing]
Ethel : Where is the doctor?
Royal : Well, look, just wait a second now. Wait a second. OK, uh, listen, I'm not dying... but I need some time. A month or so. OK? I want us to-to...
[she slaps him hard]
Ethel : WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? Are you crazy?
[she walks off]
Royal : Ethel, baby... I am dying.
[she comes back to him]
Ethel : Are you or aren't you?
Royal : What? Dying? Yeah.
-
[Royal is telling his children that he and their mother are splitting up]
Young Margot Tenenbaum : Is it our fault?
Royal : No, no. Obviously, we made certain sacrifices as a result of having children, but no, Lord, no.
Young Richie Tenenbaum : Then why'd she ask you to leave?
Royal : I don't really know anymore. Maybe, uh, I wasn't as true to her as I could have been.
Young Chas Tenenbaum : Well, she said...
Royal : Let's just drop it, shall we, Chassie?
-
Peter Bradley : [interviewing Eli Cash on television] Now, your previous novel...
Eli : Yes, Wildcat.
Peter Bradley : Not a success. Why?
Eli : Well... Wildcat was written in a kind of obsolete vernacular...
[long pause as he starts to become spaced out]
Eli : [whispering] Wildcat... wild... cat... pow... wildcat...
[he gets up]
Eli : I'm gonna go. I'm taking this off and I'm going. Stepping out.
Royal : [watching the television] What the hell kind of way to act is that?
Richie : He's on drugs.
-
Royal : Hell of a damn grave. Wish it were mine.
-
Royal : Are you trying to steal my woman?
Henry Sherman : I beg your pardon?
Royal : You heard me, Coltrane.
Henry Sherman : Coltrane?
Royal : What?
Henry Sherman : Did you just call me Coltrane?
Royal : No.
Henry Sherman : You didn't?
Royal : No.
Henry Sherman : Okay.
[he turns away]
Royal : But if I did... you wouldn't be able to do anything about it, would you?
Henry Sherman : You don't think so?
Royal : No, I don't.
Henry Sherman : Listen, Royal, if you think you can just march in here...
Royal : You wanna talk some jive? I'll talk some jive. I'll talk some jive like you never heard!
-
Royal : First thing I want to do is take you out to see your grandmother, at some point.
Richie : I haven't been out there since I was 6.
Margot : I haven't been out there at all, I was never invited.
Royal : Well, she wasn't your real grandmother, and I never knew how much interest you had, uh, sweetie. Anyway, you're invited now.
Richie : You know, Rachael's buried out there too.
Royal : Who?
Chas : My wife.
Royal : Oh, that's right, isn't it. Well, we'll have to swing by her grave too.
[Chas slams his book shut and angrily walks out]
-
Royal : [to Chas] Well... you sued me... twice. Got me disbarred. I don't hold it against you, do I?
[cut to Chas and Royal in court, sitting with their lawyers in front of the Judge]
Judge : And how is it possible for Mr. Tenenbaum to withdraw these funds without your written authorization?
Royal : Objection, Your Honor. Damn it, I...
Royal's Lawyer : Why don't you leave the objections to me, Royal?
Chas : Because I started the corporation when I was a minor. So, my father was the primary signatory on most of my accounts.
[Chas' lawyer whispers in his ear]
Chas : He also stole bonds out of my safety deposit box when I was fourteen.
[Royal looks at Chas, then back at the judge. He chuckles uncomfortably]
Royal : [back in present day, to Chas] You think you could start forgiving me?
Chas : Why should I?
Royal : Because you're hurting me.
-
Ethel : Royal, this is Henry Sherman.
Royal : [shaking hands with him] Hey, lay it on me, man.
Henry Sherman : How do you do?
Royal : Not too well, I'm dying.
-
[Henry has gathered the family into Royal's room]
Henry Sherman : Pagoda has something to say.
Pagoda : [points at Royal] He has a cancer.
Henry Sherman : No, he doesn't. I know what stomach cancer looks like. I've seen it. And you don't eat three cheeseburgers a day with french fries if you got it. The pain is excruciating.
Royal : How would you know?
Henry Sherman : My wife had it. Not only is there no Dr. McClure at Colby General, there is no Colby General. It closed in 1974.
Royal : [getting out of bed] Aw, shit, man.
Pagoda : Oh, shit, man.
-
Royal : [laying some flowers on the grave of his mother - Helen O'Reilly Tenenbaum, 1899-1954] She was a tough old broad, wasn't she?
Chas : I wouldn't know. Excuse me.
[he starts to head off with his sons Ari and Uzi to visit their mother's grave]
Royal : Oh, that's right, we've got another body buried here, haven't we?
-
Royal : [to Etheline, about Henry] I didn't think so much of him at first. But now I get it, he's everything that I'm not.
-
Royal : [seeing Ethel with Henry for the first time] Look at that old grizzly bear.
-
Ethel : [about Royal's fake terminal illness charade] Were you part of this, Pagoda?
Henry Sherman : Of course he was.
Royal : No... well, yeah, he was, but, I mean, he wasn't *that* involved.
-
[During a war game with BB guns]
Royal : [on top of a roof, aiming at Chas] Hold it Chassie. Hold it right there.
Young Chas Tenenbaum : What are you doing? You're on my team!
Royal : Ha-ha! There are no teams!
[he shoots at Chas, hitting his hand. Chas screams in pain and shoots back at him. Royal laughs as he ducks out of the way]
Narrator : The BB was still lodged between two knuckles in Chas's left hand.
-
Royal : I used to be a homeowner but my Son Expropriated the House from me...
-
Royal : I got a pretty bad case of cancer.
Chas : [yawns] How long you gonna last?
Royal : Not long.
Chas : A month? A year?
Royal : About six weeks. Let me get to the point, the three of you and your mother are all I've got and I love you more than anything.
[Chas scoffs and mock laughs]
Royal : Chas, let me finish here. I've got six weeks to set things right with you and I aim to do it. Will you give me a chance?
Chas : No.
Royal : Do you speak for everyone?
Chas : I speak for myself.