- David Leary: I'm very sorry about this, sir, I can assure you it won't happen again. Will it Ben?
- Ben: Who can predict the future?
- David Leary: I can.
- Roscoe "Fang" Bigger: You were my friend and you betrayed me!
- David Leary: You thought we were friends? You beat me up, you humiliated me, I'm 35 years old and I still have nightmares about the fourth grade! That's not what friends do for eachother, a friend is supposed to make you feel good about yourself!
- Roscoe "Fang" Bigger: Really? Then you're the best friend I ever had!
- Kirby: Dad are we really going to New York City?
- Roscoe Bigger: That's why they call them mobile homes, son, 'cause they're mobile.
- Roscoe Bigger: And when those junior psychos asked me what I was in there for, I had to tell them I was there because I STOLE A FREAKIN' ROCK!
- David Leary: [after getting into a big fight at the school with Fang] I wanna talk to you about Fang, uh, Rosco Bigger.
- Principal Kokelar: [Clark is leaving the office frightened by David due to his misbehavior] Yes?
- David Leary: I've been having some problems with him, sir.
- Principal Kokelar: What kind of problems?
- David Leary: Well, he'd been picking on me.
- Principal Kokelar: Picking on you?
- David Leary: Mm-hmm.
- Principal Kokelar: And how does he pick on you?
- David Leary: How?
- Principal Kokelar: Specifically.
- David Leary: Well, it's hard to say exactly, uh...
- Principal Kokelar: Try. Start at the beginning.
- David Leary: [Sits down] Well, he shot peas at me at lunch.
- Principal Kokelar: Peas?
- David Leary: Uh-huh.
- Principal Kokelar: How many peas?
- David Leary: 3.
- Principal Kokelar: I see. And you're certain he's the pea shooter.
- David Leary: Well, I mean, I don't have proof exactly but, yes.
- Principal Kokelar: Dennis.
- David Leary: David.
- Principal Kokelar: Whatever. Mr. Bigger's been teaching here for over 13 years. If he's had any kind of problem at all, it's that he's been too passive.
- David Leary: Well, he's changed, and I think he's changed because of me.
- Principal Kokelar: That's another story, isn't it?
- David Leary: Huh?
- Principal Kokelar: We invited you back to Hastings Middle School to set an example for the students. But even half the stories about your erratic behavior are true. I'm afraid this is something of a bust. I'm putting you on probation. If I don't see some marked improvement on your part, we'll find a substitute to finish the semester.
- [David is left shocked]
- Roscoe Bigger: Okay who did that? If I find out who did that, I'll...
- Stookie: You'll what?
- Roscoe Bigger: Um... Well we'll just see.
- Young Fang: Hi Davy. Thought you were pretty funny this morning didn't ya?
- Young David: What are you talking about?
- Young Fang: The spelling bee. Mrs. Fitsimonds let you pick the words, and you picked USSR and everybody laughed when I got it wrong.
- Young David: I make the same mistake myself. Is it one S or two?
- Roscoe Bigger: One time we were making key chains and I accidentally cut off my thumb.
- David Leary: Holy shit.
- Roscoe Bigger: Yeah, so I went to the hospital but there was a line so I drove over to the hardware store, got some needle and thread, and sewed it back on.
- David Leary: You sewed on your own thumb?
- Roscoe Bigger: Yeah I'm good at stuff like that.
- David Leary: [after running into Fang at the school dance serving fruit punch and spilling a cup of it on Victoria's dress] He might've done something to the punch.
- Victoria: Like what?
- David Leary: He used to spit in my 2% milk, and one time, he actually peed in my apple juice.
- Ben: Dad when you said we could reinvent ourselves, I didn't know you meant as the Cleavers.
- David Leary: Well start unpacking, Beave.
- Ben: Pack this, Ward.
- David Leary: I heard that.
- Art: I remember the first time I tried to kill my Betty.
- David Leary: ...What?
- Art: Let me finish...
- David Leary: You tried to kill Betty?
- Art: Oh I see. I see, Mr. High-and-mighty. Hey, I didn't kill the shop teacher! Who killed the shop teacher? YOU killed the shop teacher! You killed 'em!
- [Concerning the cafeteria food]
- David Leary: What is this?
- Clark: Hot Dish.
- David Leary: What's Hot Dish?
- Clark: Well, last week we had lasagna, then it become spaghetti and when it's finally unrecognizable, they call it Hot Dish.
- Art: Morning, neighbor.
- David Leary: Morning, Art.
- Art: I bet you're wondering, Why in the Sam Hill am I chopping wood at this hour?
- David Leary: Not really.
- Art: You know who Sam Hill was?
- David Leary: No, I don't.
- Art: Well, he wasn't anyone. It's a euphemism. Cockney expression for what the hell.
- [shouts]
- Art: What the hell! What the hell! Then it turned into, "What the Sam Hill?"
- David Leary: I'll see you later, Art. You'll be here later, right?
- Art: [shouts] What the hell!
- [David runs into bathroom and picks up hair dryer to throw at Roscoe]
- Roscoe "Fang" Bigger: What are you going to do? Style my hair?
- Old Woman: You got that new Stephen King book?
- David Leary: Oh, I don't work here, ma'am.
- Old Woman: Then what are you doing sitting there?
- David Leary: I'm a writer. I'm signing copies of my book.
- Old Woman: Oh, an author? What's it about?
- David Leary: Well, it's uh, about a man who loses his family and finds himself in the process. It's a story about choices. It's about how the small decisions we make in our lives can change them forever.
- Old Woman: [Puts the book back down] No, I'm more of a Stephen King fan myself.
- [David is ashamed]
- Korean Lady in Bookstore: [Speaking Korean]
- David Leary: I, I don't speak uh...
- Korean Lady in Bookstore: Stephen King?
- David Leary: Uh, aisle 23, fantasy and horror.
- Korean Lady in Bookstore: [Speaking Korean]
- David Leary: Yeah.
- Nigel at Bookstore: Um, do you guys have like that new...
- David Leary: Stephen King?
- Nigel at Bookstore: Yeah.
- David Leary: Aisle 23.
- Nigel at Bookstore: Cool. Hey, what's this?
- David Leary: That's uh, my book. I'm a writer.
- Nigel at Bookstore: [Sees David's picture on the back and chuckles] That's you.
- [David shakes head]
- Nigel at Bookstore: What's it about?
- David Leary: It's about a guy who loses his family, and, the guy loses his family. It's, it's a book.
- Nigel at Bookstore: He loses his family, huh?
- David Leary: [going to a police station after seemingly killing Fang] Open up, you idiots! I'm a murderer!
- Victoria: [after David stops her from drinking the punch, thinking Rosco did something to it] David, what has gotten into you?
- David Leary: He might have done something to the punch.
- Victoria: [Flustered] Like what?
- David Leary: He used to spit in my 2% milk and one time, he actually peed in my apple juice.
- Victoria: David, he was a little boy.
- David Leary: Exactly. That's what kids do, not adults. I tried telling him that.
- Roscoe "Fang" Bigger: [Stookie for the 2nd time throws an eraser towards Ross. Ross catches it madly. Stookie sits back down. Ross puts the eraser by the chalkboard] Now, there's going to be some changes in this class. I'm your teacher, and I happen to believe that building things with your hands is an important skill to learn. Now, whether you guys agree with me or not, I really don't care. But from now on, when you're in my class, you'll do what I say when I say it! Is that clear?
- Stookie: Ooh, I'm scared.
- Roscoe "Fang" Bigger: [a little long pause] Stookie, come on up here.
- [Stookie walks up]
- Roscoe "Fang" Bigger: This is a big classroom, so maybe you didn't hear me clearly.
- Stookie: No I heard ya. What are you going to do about it?
- Roscoe "Fang" Bigger: [Sarcastically] Stookie? I'd like to introduce you to a friend of mine.
- [Grabs Stookie by his head]
- Roscoe "Fang" Bigger: Mr. Grinder!