- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: [Munna Bhai is slapped by a police officer] Gandhi said if you are slapped, kindly show them the other cheek!
- [he turns his other cheek toward the officer]
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: [the officer slaps his other cheek, Munnbhai punches him] Gandhi didn't say what to do after he hits the other one!
- Jhanvi: Do you walk on the path shown by Mahatma Gandhi?
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: Of course! I walk 3 miles everyday on Mahatma gandhi Street
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: What is on 2 october?
- Circuit: Dry Day brother.
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: What is Dry Day?
- Circuit: No idea brother.
- Circuit: [drunk Munan trying to put ring on Jahnvi's Finger] Bro, Third finger from the left.
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: Which one?
- Circuit: Third. One, Two, Three.
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: [advising what to say to someone who had smashed the hand of a statue of Gandhi] Quite simple. Drag the scoundrel to the statue and give him a...
- Mahatma Gandhi: [interrupting] And give him a stone and tell him to smash the entire statue.
- Psychiatrist: Don't reinforce his hallucinations!
- Circuit: Hey you... I'll whack you! If the Bhai says he sees Bapu, then he sees Bapu.
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: I'll whack you so hard, you'll see stars in the day. That's hallucination!
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: How is it that only you and me see Bapu?
- Circuit: Bhai, it's your tremendous willpower. You brought Bapu out of the books. Like Aladdin's genie. I took you to the library, so Bapu said hello to me too. No tension, Bhai. Once he sees India's dismal state, he'll go back to the books.
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: [referring to Gandhi] He's done so much for us. Been jailed, fasted, toured the entire country in a 'dhoti'... even got shot. Here. And what have we done for him? Reduced him to a wall hanging. A mute witness to our corruption. He dreamt of a fantastic India... but we've ruined the country.
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: Are you a ghost or a spirit?
- Mahatma Gandhi: Spirit, no. Inspiration, yes.
- Jhanvi: For all those rushing around this crazy city... what does the rush get you? If this is how we mean to live... then how do we wish to die?
- Circuit: The boss doesn't work between 9:00 am and 12:00 pm.
- Lucky Singh: Wakes up late?
- Circuit: He doesn't sleep. He's in love. All day by the sea.
- Lucky Singh: How embarrassing. I have empty apartments. Use one of those.
- Jhanvi: You keep abreast of the world via internet... but have no idea who lives in the neighboring house.
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: Which shirt should I wear?
- Circuit: Why worry about a shirt, boss? You'll be on the radio, not TV.
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: [advising what to say to someone who had smashed the hand of a statue of Gandhi] You should have told him to strike down the statue.
- Mahatma Gandhi: Topple down all my statues in the country.
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: [repeating Gandhi's answer] Topple down every statue of Bapu in the country.
- Mahatma Gandhi: Remove my pictures from every wall.
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: [repeating Gandhi's answer] Remove Bapu's photos from the walls.
- Mahatma Gandhi: Erase my name from buildings, roads, currency.
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: [repeating Gandhi's answer] Remove his name from buildings, roads, currency notes.
- Mahatma Gandhi: If you must, keep me in your heart.
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: [repeating Gandhi's answer] If you must honor Bapu, then keep him in your heart.
- Circuit: [ejecting someone from a public restroom] Come on, get lost. If it's so urgent, go behind a bush for it.
- Psychiatrist: Extreme fatigue or a chemical imbalance... can trigger imaginary voices or visions of imaginary people. That's hallucinations.
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: [responding to someone who had said that India had progressed] Progress, my foot! We have taps but no water. Bulbs but no electricity. Potholes dotting the roads, hawkers cramming the sidewalks. Book a train ticket, and you're on the waiting list. Get a confirmation, the train gets cancelled. Go to a hospital, no bed. Get a bed, no doctor. Who do you complain to? The politician sends you to the clerk. The clerk is always in a meeting. Call him at home, he's in the bath. Finally get through, he wants your application in duplicate. Then the application goes round and round and round... If Bapu were around today, he'd say... 'We won our freedom, but lost our people.'
- Gaitonde: Last time, you took permission for eight floors and built 11.
- Lucky Singh: It was just by accident. My math has always been terrible.
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: I need your help.
- Mahatma Gandhi: If you need to beat or kidnap someone, I can't help. I am rather weak in that department.
- Simran L. Singh: Mr. Khurana's astrologer said roses are bad luck for him. So he's cut down all their rose bushes. Even his secretary, Rosie, had to change her name. She's now Jasmine.
- Kkhurana: I owe my prosperity to Batuk Maharaj. Our business was ruined. He said to add another 'K' to our surname... as it was better numerology. Look at me today.
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: If someone hits you on one cheek, offer him the other. This way, his hatred will reduce... and his respect for you will increase.
- Cuckoo: Here's the address, Munna. This house must be grabbed.
- Lucky Singh: Forget it!
- Cuckoo: But sir, how will they reach there without the address?
- Lucky Singh: Did you land on earth with an address? Ask your mother, were you born holding a map?
- Hari Desai: How did you get inside?
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: Through the door. Why? You come through the window?
- Lucky Singh: [explaining why 'AM' was typed on a document instead of 'PM'] My typist. A bit deaf. When I dictate, he reads my lips. AM, PM, same lip movement, isn't it? AM, PM. It is a big problem for us. He writes 'liar' for 'lawyer.' 'Risky' business becomes 'whiskey' business. Once I told him to ask the cement supplier to 'send us an email'... he wrote 'Send us a female.' And one supplier sent a female to my office. Very embarrassing situation at the office.
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: Lucky, I'm told in India a kid's born every two seconds.
- Lucky Singh: Possible. So?
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: So there's got to be a marriage every second?
- Lucky Singh: So?
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: So a boy must be proclaiming love to a girl every half-second?
- Circuit: I'll explain things to her. Don't worry.
- [Murli slaps Circuit]
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: What will you explain? What will you explain? Will you explain to her that I am goon?
- Simran L. Singh: My lawyer told me that dishonesty is a disease. You have it. You are extremely unwell. But I will cure you. I will be with you till you recover.
- Jhanvi: What's going on, Murli?
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: Gandhi-ing.
- Jhanvi: Gandhi-ing?
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: The opposite of bullying.
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: Bapu, for the first time in my life, I have a problem I can't solve. Use any idea and save me, Bapu.
- Mahatma Gandhi: There's one solution.
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: What?
- Mahatma Gandhi: Kidnap Lucky's daughter. Strike a deal with him. His daughter in return for the house.
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: I already rejected that idea last night.
- Mahatma Gandhi: Another solution. Just shoot Lucky.
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: Hey, Bapu, your ideas are suicidal.
- Mahatma Gandhi: These aren't my ideas, son. They're yours. Isn't it how you've done things so far? You're not going to follow my ways. So what's the point?
- Hari Desai: You want to fight me? Come on. I used to be a boxing champion.
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: You may have been a boxing champion. I'm a slapping champion.
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: I've just met a lawyer.
- Lawyer: Which lawyer?
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: [looking at a picture of Gandhi] He's a great lawyer. Studied in London, practiced in South Africa.
- Lucky Singh: He's mentally unstable. He's crazy.
- Kkhurana: You told me he was a goon.
- Lucky Singh: Yes, yes.
- Kkhurana: Is he a goon, or is he crazy?
- Lucky Singh: He's a crazy goon.
- Lucky Singh: [referring to Gandhi] Why are you so obsessed with Bapu? His ways don't work today... and they didn't work then. Three bullets got him. Remember?
- Mahatma Gandhi: But who really won? The one who fired the bullet, or the one who took it on his chest?
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: Correct. In whose honor do we have the dry day?
- Mahatma Gandhi: Correct. Whose statue is in the park?
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: Correct. Whose face is on currency notes?
- Psychiatrist: [providing the answers to the questions that Gandhi had not answered] These are the answers to the questions. Take it. Read it, and ask Bapu again. And I'm sure he'll answer this time. Try it out.
- [Murli studies the paper with the questions and the answers]
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: Your mother's name?
- Mahatma Gandhi: Putlibai.
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: Who conferred the title 'Mahatma'?
- Mahatma Gandhi: Rabindranath Tagore.
- Murli Prasad Sharma - Munna Bhai: Your ashram in South Africa?
- Mahatma Gandhi: Tolstoy Farm.
- [Murli drops the paper and looks shattered]